Well. I’ve re-discovered an old love for the song “Secret Garden”, so I’ve been listening to that over and over. And am now. Bahaha. Anyway, we went to see District 9 last night, and it was pretty good. Not what the previews make it seem like, but I quite liked it. After that we did the usual stuff at Dawn’s for a while, and then I came home and talked to Robbie until around 5 AM and then went to bed.

I realized that I have about a week and a half of summer left. That’s kinda depressing, but at the same time exciting. I should have some fairly interesting classes this year, so I’m looking forward to it. Though not to getting up and being at school by 8 two days a week in the first semester. @_@ Robbie starts school even sooner than we do, and he’ll hopefully be getting a job as well, so we’ll have less time to talk to each other because of busy schedules, but we’ll work with it. I don’t remember if I mentioned or not, but he’s going to college for Marine Engineering, which sounds pretty cool. So I hope he’ll enjoy doing that.

We ended up having a bit of a discussion about my parents brought on by him talking about thinking about what to get me for my birthday, even though it’s still far away, and I gave a suggestion and things went from there. I kinda realized today how detached my relationship to my family actually is while talking to him. I mean, I love them and all, but if I had to I could leave them behind and not look back. I’d miss them for a little while, but that’s it. I’m not sure if I should think that’s bad or not, but it’s just how I feel. If, for some reason, they were to have a big problem with me being with Robbie or something, then if need be I’d be fine with just getting up and leaving the house and going somewhere else.

(Oh, and I said I’d like a picture of him that I could keep in a frame or something, by the way. Call me sappy.)

I’m keeping an eye on the Holocaust Lit class in the English section at school. I’d like to take that class and drop American Lit if I can, but it’s full. So people should let me know if a spot opens up so I can take it. I’m almost desperate now because I fucking HATE stream-of-consciousness style, and there are a few books in the American Lit class that use it exclusively. I had enough of it with the Victorians, dammit.

One last actual thing I have is I’M SO EXCITED TO NOT BE DOING PLANOGRAMS AT WORK NEXT WEEK! No 6 AM shifts for Cam! Bahahaha, thank God they need me in electronics, because that’s ultimately what frees me. I love being good at my job sometimes.

Ummm… I want to cuddle pretty badly. Fuckin’ ocean. But I’ll settle for my teddy Rollo for now. (Which reminds me, Robbie named the gorilla I got him Bananas, which I didn’t know until recently. Yeah, I know, not very original, but I think it’s adorable, haha)

I’ve uploaded my school schedule in a new page (see the left side bar) aaand I’ll put it here. People should do the same and we all figure out who has breaks and classes with whom and when and so on. Mmyes.

Well, it’s been about a week, and things are great. Robbie and I are as good as ever, if not even better now than we were before, which I’m really happy about. We’re planning to, when he and I can both afford it, buy Skype phones so that we can call and talk to one another and make a regular thing of it, since using Skype on the computer tends to result in lagging and whatnot and weird audio and causing his computer to overheat, and this way we can just lay back in bed and talk instead of having to have the computer set up and everything. So I’m really looking forward to that. It’ll be nice to be able to talk to him almost whenever I want. =)

Things with Chris are… I guess I wouldn’t say quite FINE, but doing better. We’re talking again once in a while, though it’s a bit awkward and strained at times, but that’s to be expected. He seems to be feeling at least significantly better than he was, so I’m glad for that.

I think my 6 AM shifts are done now. At least I really hope so. My week of work is normal hours, so I guess I’ll see either tomorrow night or Wednesday morning when I go to work if the next week is the same or goes back to the early morning. I REALLY don’t want to have to go to early morning again. ;_; I had four days off in a row, which were HEEEAAAAVENLY and my Grandma, Aunt, and Uncle have been up visiting, so I’ve been doing stuff with them. Dinner, the beach, and so on. My Grandma goes home on Thursday, I think, and my Aunt and Uncle go home tomorrow, so soon it’ll just be back to normal.

Hm, Robbie’s ex-friend and ex-girlfriend Katy has been being a bitch lately, spreading lies and trying to turn people against him and so on. I am REALLY starting to hate her. And also his ex from before me, Monica I believe her name is, added him on Facebook, so he and I are both kinda wondering what she wants since apparently he’s a sin against God or something in her eyes. So when I go up there, I kinda wanna go and make out in front of her, just to piss her off. And I don’t mean just kissing, I mean full-on kissing, tongue, touching, “mmmm”ing. Make a show of it, haha.

And speaking of going to Wales, I’ve been looking at my class schedule and trying to figure out my availability, and I think I should be able to get around 15 – 20 hours a week. Assuming I work every day I’m available, which will be a good likelihood, and get the shortest shift possible, I should still make around $280 per paycheque. So I’m gonna try setting a goal for myself of setting aside $250 every month for the trip there, and if I can do that, then by the end of school I should have about $1500 aside. It’s about half of each paycheque to put aside, and that’ll leave me with enough for gas and my insurance and a bit of spending money. I’ll need to make sure I don’t let myself buy meals at school too often and stuff, but I think I can do it. It’ll be worth it. I figure, I can do that during school, then I can work a month or two in the summer to save up more, since then I should be able to get twice that put away a month, and then that should cover the trip there and spending money and some buffer. Hopefully this plan works as I want it to.

I think that’s about all I have to update with for now. So, until next time.

[11:00 PM]

Well, apparently Chris hasn’t been feeling better and was just lying to make ME feel better. And now, this is really goodbye. Because people just WON’T LET HIM DIE. Honestly, I think he’s just depressed and having a tantrum and I’m not going to go after him again. I don’t feel like dealing with this whiney emo crap. I’m sorry he got hurt, but it happens, and just because I have a nice home life and so on, doesn’t mean I don’t understand what it’s like. I don’t think he’s going to kill himself, because that’s an idiotic thing to do, and it takes a hell of a lot more balls than most people have to actually go through with it. It’s not at all the same as cutting. So whatever. When he sucks it up, I’ll be here. Until then, not gonna deal with it.

Well. In the end, I couldn’t do it. I tried, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew it wasn’t what I wanted or what would make me happy in the end. I’m sure for a while, I could have been content, maybe even happy. But my feelings would still be there, and they’d take their toll eventually. And Chris has had some hard times in his life, and he deserves to be happy, and to have someone who has feelings for him alone. Someone who will fall in love with him. And he’ll find that person, even if he thinks now that I’m “the one”. Obviously, I’m not. Not for him. So, I’m with Robbie again. And don’t start, people, I’m aware of what kind of risk I’m taking and what has happened in the past, so I don’t need to be told again. We’re trying to approach it differently this time to make sure it lasts. It’s what I want, and I’m happy. All I regret is that it had to come at the expense of Chris’ happiness.

He’s not exactly communicating with me much right now, which I expected, and he deleted me off MSN and on Facebook, but he’s still messaging me back. That, I think, is the best sign I could get that he’ll be okay eventually. I’m not in love with him like he is with me, but I do love him as a friend. I do care about him. So I hope, when he can, he’ll talk to me again. And I don’t know if he’ll even read my blog anymore, but I’m not going to just forget about him and let him disappear.

I just had to do the worst thing of my life. I’m so sorry I broke Chris’ heart. Please, God, or whoever is out there, let him be here when I get back. I care too much about him to let him disappear.

目の前に現れては消え
僕の夢を切り刻む声
偽りだらけのこの世界で
戯ばれて…殺されて

気まぐれ少女の模様替え
抱きしめ合えばこの大地で
気が付けば人は猿マネ
操られて…生かされて

遠くで聞こえるあの声
妄想だらけのノアの船
倒されて…塞がれて
犯されて

lie…胸を切り裂いて
声を奪われて
目を塞がれた君

憎まれて…惜しまれて
戯ばれて…壊されて
倒されて…塞がれて
犯されて…殺されて

何もかも置き去りにして
今もまだあの場所で僕は君だけを見てる

lie…胸を切り裂いて
声を奪われて
目を塞がれた君

lie…優しく切り裂いて
そっと抱きしめて
た・す・け・て・あげる

-dance-

昨日の夜クリスを背託したけど、今日の朝に選りすぐるかどうか分からない。ロッビーがほしかもしれないと思う。クリスはちょっとイモみたいだから、腕を痛めるのが怖いだね。　嬉く成れるのか？　僕に嬉しく成ることをしないといけないね？　そうだね。　悲喜交々がある。　でも、クリスといっしょにしようとする。

Oh god yesterday was awful. I still don’t feel good today.

A little while ago, I met a great guy named Chris. Things were going fairly well, and I like him a lot, and I figured maybe now my feelings for Robbie would finally go away. But then, because I kept prying, Robbie told me he still has feelings for me. And I had to tell Chris I wasn’t sure what I wanted because it wouldn’t be fair to lie to him and say I’m alright. I ended up spending a few hours alone in my room thinking, and managed to annoy Danny in the process. In the end I chose Chris, but I’m still not sure if that’s really what I want. People keep telling me that choosing Robbie would be stupid. He’s already left me twice for other people, and Danny said he knew he’d end up wanting to come back at some point, and that it’ll just happen again. Dawn said it’d be a track to nowhere. I’m even honestly a bit scared it’s just because things weren’t working out there that he’s started getting them for me again, and I don’t know if I could not be scared it’d happen a third time. Then again, I also don’t know if this might have been the time it actually worked.

And then there’s Chris. He’s closer, but not without his problems. He’s clinically depressed, which I can deal with. I can handle sudden mood changes and so on. But he also has a history of some stuff, and he did it again yesterday when this all happened, and I can’t handle that. I made him promise me he’d never do it again. But I don’t know if he’ll actually stop or not, and Alex predicts he won’t. But I can’t deal with it if it does continue. I can’t be afraid I’ll set him off.

I still don’t know if I made the decision that’ll make me happy. It wasn’t even based mostly on emotion. I tried to do it with logic this time, and I’m not sure how that’s going to work out for me. I don’t even know if we want the same things in the long run. I’m scared.