Okay, so, I mentioned a few days ago that I met a guy and started talking to him and whatnot.  Anyway, plans seem to be coming to frutition, and after I’m done work today we’re going out to Moxies for dinner, and then going to a movie. So I really hope nothing happens to make these plans screw over, because I have a good feeling about this. It’s kinda reminiscent of back when Robbie and I first started talking as more than friends, soooo… yeah. Good luck to me! We were up until 4 am last night talking, so I’m going take that as a good sign, haha.

Speaking of Robbie, from what I know he’s doing well. He hasn’t had time to write, but he gave Amie a call and told her to tell me that, and that he’s doing fine, so that’s good to hear. Hopefully he gets a chance to write soon. I wanna see this horrible handwriting of his. XD

Also, sorta oddly enough, I’ve been talking to Amie a lot. Lawl. How queer.

[8:30]
Nevermind.

And I hate this.

So, went to see Underworld 3 tonight. Wasn’t bad. The first one is still the best one, but it was still good. We hung out at Dawn’s beforehand, and did what we usually do.

I’ve spent the night flirting with a really cute guy who lives here. I think I must have a thing for younger guys, since he’s 18. But still. VERY nice change from the usual old men. We’ll see how this goes, since he seems pretty nice. And he mentioned a movie, though not sure if it was just for conversation or an actual offer.

[11:10 AM]
OMG ROBBIE COME ONLINE NOW. I have to go to work soon-ish and I wanna say goodbye because you’re leaving tomorrow! D=

[7:30 PM]
Well, Robbie made it on in time, and it was a good/sad goodbye. Gonna miss that kid. D=  There’ll be letters sent and stuff, so that’s good.  I got to say my whole schpeal of a goodbye, and he said his, and all is well. And he’s gonna send me pictures of the Passing Out Ceremony (passing out of training and into the navy, not like… passing out), so that’s good. I wish I could go to it, though, but oh well. So poor, so poor.

Hm. Well, not a lot has happened lately. Shay’s flight got delayed, which sucks, so hopefully she’s not stuck in Vancouver all night.

I was laughing at the sorta rivalries in Europe via Robbie and Anthony, and then I started semi-arguing with Robbie over stuff about his and my country that I thought I was just joking about, but I forgot how much Robbie loves his country. So now I feel really bad, since I didn’t actually mean anything by it. I’m quite fond of Britain and I want to go spend some time there someday. So I hope he’s not mad at me, or if he is that he’ll at least accept my apology and believe me when I say I don’t actually believe there’s anything wrong with his country. =\

I think this has to do with Canada being Canada. We make fun of ourselves all the time, so I don’t really realize I’m jabbing people’s buttons sometimes. >_<

But yeah. Robbie, I’m sorry if I screwed up. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything. I hope you know that.

Don’t refer to Robbie as my ex. I don’t associate that with him, he’s my friend now, so just call him Robbie. If you say my ex, I think of Mitch, and THAT’S why I get pissed off. I still like Robbie. I want Mitch to suffer. MAJOR difference.

Kthxbai

- The management

So, Robbie and I have pretty much patched things up. We’re both sorry it ended how it did, but it just happened that way. We’re going back to being friends, and I think it’s better that way, anyway. I don’t even mind hearing about him and Aime (or is it Amie? I can never remember where the i goes), because while I wouldn’t say I’m over it all, I’ve got it shoved under a rock so I won’t have to touch it. Don’t knock it, it works for me. And I know we’re both still going to be important to one another without romantic feelings, which is good. He’s still going to write me once in a while while he’s off doing training, just to keep me up to date on stuff, and I’ll write back with… whatever crap I can think of.

Someday, I think I’d still like to visit him. It’d be good times, haha. That, and I’ve never been to Europe, so even if he’s gone on about how blech it is where he lives, it’d still be a good trip.

By the way, Robbie, when you read this… STOP FEELING BAD. I know you would never have hurt me on purpose, and you couldn’t help it. I’m happy now, and you should be, too.

さ、ロッビーとエーミはもう付き合っている。　とても早くよ。　だから、　今にももっとうれしいだと思う。　彼は僕をほうんとに会いできくなかった。

今かなしいだが、　元気になりつもり。

[12:15]

And now I have my answer to the question I told Shay about last night. Closure at last.

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I can’t sleep, so I figure I’ll blog something.

I think I’ve gotten out all of my negative feelings last night. It was a big loss for me, but that part of me that I never share with anyone, the part that bears all the scars on outstretched arms, has come out again and let me pull through. When I woke up, I was accepting of everything that has happened. My feelings aren’t changed yet, because they won’t be that quick to go, but I’m at a personal point where I can quench them until they have. He’s the first person I ever truly loved, and he’ll always have a special spot in my hear because of it. But I’m ready to move on and be his friend now. Honestly, the way I treat him will be exactly the same as it always has been, except I won’t tell him I love him, just like I don’t with my other friends. It’s there, it’s implied, but it’s unspoken unless it’s needed. I always love my friends as much as I ever could anyone I’m with, which is why it’s a good thing I’ve never had to choose between one or the other, because it could never be done.

Itsumademo ugokanai no nara kirisakarereba ii.

For those of us who don’t speak Japanese: If you’re forever unmoved, you should be torn to pieces.

Good lyrics, good lyrics. Fitting, indeed.

Okay, so I guess I should update. Robbie and I broke up. I’m not going to post the details of why, because that wouldn’t be fair to him. But I think, rather than saying everything I need to to let myself get over him to his face, I’m just going to put it all out in a post so I can release it to someone else instead of keeping it bottled. It’ll be easier for me, and I don’t know if it would be better or worse for him to have to hear it all. This is mostly for my benefit. And I don’t want anyone who knows both him and me to start using it against him or begrudge him or anything, because I want to get over him and be friends again, and so does he. I have no ill will towards him, and I don’t want anyone else to.

First, I love how irony decided today would be the day to come and bite me for once. I was going to surprise him today; I was so excited to do it, and then I got the surprise. I won’t say what it was going to be here, since I’d feel like I was guilting him, and I don’t want to do that. If he asks, I’ll tell him, but that’s it.

Despite everything, I still love him. That’s not going to change. What will have to change is the kind of love, since it’s going to have to become as a friend now. I still want him to be happy, though; I really do. Even if it isn’t with me. All the same, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt and was okay, because I’m not. I can keep myself together in public, but that’s because I’ve been crying since I got home, for the first time in 10 years. I hope this will have gotten that part of it out soon. It hurt very badly to hear it, because I actually thought we’d be able to pull past the distance for the little while before it would have changed, and I know it’s not my fault, but as is the usual for this stuff, all I can think about is stuff I could have done differently.

This, I think, spawns from Mitch. After I caught him with someone else, I completely shut off my romantic interests from almost everyone for close to 4 years. Once in a while I showed a bit of interest, but I always decided to quell it because I was so afraid of getting hurt like that again. So when I decided to open up again, I was so happy. Elated, even. Now I feel, to be melodramatic, heartbroken and utterly crushed.

I do forgive him, and I’m not angry with him, but to be completely honest, for a split second he made me hate him for doing that to me, because I had more feelings for him than I ever did for Mitch, despite the fact that he lived here and I could physically be with him whenever I wanted. But that was only for a split second, and it’s long gone now. Honestly, if he didn’t have other feelings, I wouldn’t have wanted to break up with him, even after this. But I’d rather he have a chance to be happier than he can be with me, so here we are. He said we both knew it had to happen eventually because of the distance, but I had thought about that in the beginning, and had even said to people that there’s a good chance that would be the case. But after a while, I thought hard about it, and realized that I, at least, could do it. And that led to my planned surprise for today, but kinda backfired, didn’t it?

I think to end it off, I’m going to say this: I’m not angry with him. I forgive him. I still love him, I always will, and that’s not going to change. I’ll still be here for him if he needs me. I’ll move on with some time. He made me happier than I can remember ever being, and I thank him for that. I honestly hope he’s going to be happy, and I’m glad this ended in a way where I think we can still be friends after it all.

Catharsis should be good.

I was right.