That title makes no sense to anyone but me, and I love it. Oh, really inside jokes.
Anyway, I’ve suddenly been feeling significantly less emo and whiny and such, which I must admit is a nice change of pace. We’ll see if this lasts (bahaha not bloody likely), and if it does, splendid. And if not… well. Tough? Anyway, I present a very basic model of how I deal with things. The further down and left you go, the rarer the necessity of the step becomes. Top right is where life is good. Or life is bad and I just say fuck it and make it good.
And there you have it. I might still have a potentially (see: almost guaranteed) awkward conversation ahead of me, but I’ll have to take that as it comes. I kinda owe and explanation, I suppose. Curse you, flying girl.
On an unrelated note, Kel and I want to do something to get away from Kelowna and people for a while in February when I have the reading break, just for a few days. We WERE wanting to go to Vancouver for a few days, but then the Winter Olympics gave a pre-emptive FUCK YOU and there’s nowhere to stay for under $350 a night, assuming you find a place at all. And I’m not staying with friends. Chris doesn’t have his own place, nor the room at the place he’s staying, and I’m not close enough friends with Craig, and even if I was, while I like him and all, I refuse to ever stay at his place again. It scared me to my very soul. So now we need other ideas. Any suggestions would be appreciated. We’re aiming for around 4 days or so, so whatever we do needs to entertain us for at least that long. And we’re not going to go to Edmonton or something, because that would be pretty much two entire days gone just to travel there and back, so reasonably close would be nice. GO, INTERNET, GO!
I can almost guarantee Amber is going to have a problem with it, because she has a problem with he and I being alone ever, because I’m just SO DESPERATE TO FUCK HIM OMG. Though really, if I wanted to do that, I’d have done it a long time ago. I know he’s a horndog, and he likes to drink. It wouldn’t be much of a challenge. She needs to realize he’s not her dog. But to his credit, he’s been getting better at not simply taking her crap when she gets like that, so good on him. And he seemed really excited for us to go do something together, since we never really have other than just hanging out at one another’s houses, so bonus points there. Really, I am, too. While I love everyone else here, Kel and Danny are my only real close guy friends here (obviously there’s also Robbie, Alex, and Connor, but I can’t exactly call any of them up and ask them to come over), and it might be kinda nice to not be around the Boobéd Ones for a little bit. Of course I love Shay and Dawn and Sarika, but I just don’t talk to them about the same things the same way as I would to Kel or Danny. Especially Kel, actually. Danny and I aren’t quite alike enough for it to be exactly the same, though I still talk to him about things I wouldn’t with any of the girls, and I quite enjoy his company. As for Nick and Tyler, I consider them friends, but more in the sense of they’re part of the group of friends. I go do things with the entire group that includes them, and vice versa, but I doubt I’ll ever be calling Nick or Tyler to come hang out individually. I’m friends with them through association, and I’ve never really had extended one-on-one conversations with either of them. I’m not sure if that’s odd or not.
I guess on further thought, Kelvin and Robbie would probably be my dictionary-definition best friends. Obviously things are more complex with Robbie because of past relationships and distance and the whole different dynamic that brings into things (and acknowledged or not, it is and probably always will be there; we can act the same as Kel and I do, but the fact that he and I were a couple and Kel and I weren’t always gives things a different feeling or texture), but all things considered, it’s about the same. Though I never really consider any one or two people my “best friends” and instead refer to all the close friends, including Dawn, Shay, Danny, Alex, and Connor, etc. as such, but I figure while I’m on this train of thought, I’ll run with it. I know it’s pretty similar with the others, too. I know Dawn refers to us as her “best friends”, but at the same time, Shay is probably the “Best Friend”. Just the one or two people you share pretty much everything with without shame. Again, there are exceptions, but nothing in life is written in stone. Except things that are literally written in stone, since I know SOME smartass out there is going to think that.
Now I’m wondering what kinds of things Robbie and Kel might know about me that other people don’t. Nothing jumps readily to mind (except, again, for the obvious differences involving Robbie and past couplehood). Except, I suppose, that they have heard of feelings and things that I don’t even put into here. I wonder why it is I can even write some things in here that, if I were face-to-face with Dawn for example, I probably wouldn’t say or even hint to out loud, even though I know she reads this. What is it with me and feelings in general? Sometimes, I kind of get out of my skin and stand a few feet away, look at myself objectively, and wonder why it is that sometimes it’s like I’m almost offended that I have them. I know that’s kind of a strange way to put it, but that’s the best way I can think of it. I know it’s perfectly normal for people to feel sad and depressed sometimes, and yet, when it happens to me, if I can’t just suck it up and move on with it I end up reacting like someone shoved a vile miasma of pure unpleasantness down my throat. I treat it like it’s some unnatural, foreign thing that I’m desperate to get out of me and yet half the time I’m too bewildered to figure out just how to do it.
I honestly think it’s because I take a sort of pride in my general stability. Obviously it’s not 100% foolproof, but by and large, I can take whatever is thrown at me and just deal with it and keep on going like nothing happened. Hell, after I caught Mitch cheating on me 5 or so years ago, I dumped him on the spot (after the customary drama), felt bad for about a day, then just kinda moved on and didn’t look back, and didn’t really care. He continued to fuck around in my life on sporadic occasions after that, which did make me quite displeased with his existence in general, but that’s unrelated to his cheating. Granted, after that it also took me almost four years before I’d actually open up enough to try it again, with Robbie then, and I guess that’s part of why when that ended it hit me so hard and sent the rollercoaster of up and down on it’s trip, since I just had no clue how to deal with myself. Though I’m still sometimes mystified with how I had managed to fall in love with him, who I’ve never even met in person, and yet after 9 months with Mitch, I didn’t have that. Of course that played a contributing role to everything, too, but that’s not a story for right now. However, that was also about the time Kel and I became really close friends, since soon before Robbie and I got together, he had broken up with Natalie and I had chosen to stick with him rather than her. He and Amber paired up around the same time Robbie and I did, and so we talked about that stuff a lot, which I think kinda brought us closer together. So of course, once things ended with Robbie the first time, he was the one who kinda heard the brunt of what I had to say about the whole matter. Same with the other times. And in the same way, I hear about all the ups and downs in his relationship with Amber and how he feels about things. And if anything, he’s even more closed off about his feelings than I am to most people, if that gives anyone any sort of reference to what I’m talking about.
Talking about that, I did just think of one thing I’ve never shared with either Kel or Robbie, though I probably should have told Robbie about it when it happened. Though now it’s a moot point and would really just seem like I’m dwelling on it, which I actually did for a little while because… well. That’s not important anymore. It was a long time ago, when he and I were together, so now it would just be a guilt trip, whether or not that was my intention. It’s just become one of those things that doesn’t affect you anymore, but you never really forget. I’m sure everyone has something of that nature that they keep to themselves, so that should give you a frame of reference.
I should really wrap this up now. I had been planning to go to sleep about an hour and a half ago, and I was just going to do a quick blog post saying I’m feeling a bit better, and then I mentioned Kel’s and my plans, and then that just somehow turned into this introverted adventure in self-understanding and the resulting show of a small part of my inner workings and thoughts in certain situations. Congratulations, just what you wanted. More knowledge about me.
And provided all of this, you probably still can’t figure out how to try to help if a depression strikes again, because I can’t really put into words exactly how I react and process things. Treating me and my mind like a normal person’s just never works. Not to sound like I’m tooting my own horn or that I’m claiming I’m a beautiful and unique snowflake, but I’m not the same as a normal person. I’m not some complete abstraction that thinks and acts totally unlike other people, because of course I have some similar motivations and procedures for acting and thinking, but for whatever reason, I’m pretty well aware that I don’t function quite the same in my head as most people, and so things that work for them often won’t for me, and vice versa. It’s always interesting to see what people try to do, though. And sometimes I wonder if I’m as easily read as some people I know. It’s gotten to the point with one person, who shall remain unnamed, that I can figure out what [s]he has recently done, the thought process that stemmed from that, and what [s]he is now trying to do and is probably thinking, based off something as simple as punctuation. (And since you’ll probably know it’s you, yes, I did know you read my blog and what you were trying to do, as well as a general idea of what you were thinking, based off that little change. It might seem like a big jump to you, but you’d be very, very surprised at the little details I’ve noticed over time that make that kind of thing possible for me to do now. 
)
Though, I always function fine and I sleep less than you do normally, anyway. My body just needs less.
